I had a conversation recently that went something like this…
Not me: So, have you ever cheated on a boyfriend?
Me: Define cheat.
Not me: Have you ever had sex with someone else while dating a guy?
Me: No
Not me: So…. then what’s your definition of cheating?
Me: I think cheating is doing something I wouldn’t do if my boyfriend was there.
Not me: So then you have cheated?
Me: Well, under my definition yes. Under your definition, no.
(Long silence as we contemplate that under my definition we are both guilty and under theirs we are both innocent…)
It seemed strange that such a huge issue- the issue of cheating, would be defined so differently between two people. I always assumed that cheating was a black and white issue, how could there be so much confusion? So much grey matter? I decided to ask my trusty dictionary to give me some clear cut definition- and answer to the biggest question since the Caramilk bar mystery of the early 90's, but found out that Encarta is sometimes as helpful as a screen door in a submarine. This is what I got…
1. deceive somebody: to deceive or mislead somebody, especially for personal advantage
2. be unfaithful: to have a sexual relationship with somebody other than a spouse or regular sexual partner
3. escape something: to avoid harm or injury by luck or cunning
So, we both found our definition embedded in the great mind of Encarta. Instead of feeling pleased that the dictionary recognized the act of deceit as cheating, I was more troubled. Were Encarta and I prudes in assuming that cheating was deceit? Did everyone else think cheating was sex? And if they did, were the majority of these individuals carrying a Y chromosome?
I decided to take to the streets (okay, my email contact list) and ask others what they defined cheating as. Apparently, when it comes to cheating everyone has an opinion and it’s different from the rest. Here are some of the results…
Cheating is…..
- “sex.”
- “anything you do that you wouldn’t want anyone to find about”
- “ isn’t looking at other girls. It’s giving them my phone number when my girls in the bathroom”
- “unforgivable. People say they forgive it but don’t forget, but if you don’t forget something that horrible, how can it be a healthy relationship?”
- “boob grabbing”
- “ a words game. It’s instinct over conscience. It’s anything you do that you feel guilty about”
- “wishing the boyfriend/girlfriend you are with was someone else”
- “dangerous, and devastating if you are the person getting cheated on. I would never do it because I wouldn’t want anyone to go through what I did.”
- “anything you wouldn’t do with someone of the same sex (if you aren’t gay)”
- “removal of clothing”
- “lying to your partner because you spending time with someone else. Even if you are fully clothed and spend the whole day at the park, once you lie, you cheat”
- “sometimes a way to see if you are really serious about your boyfriend/girlfriend”
- “not cool unless you are on a holiday, or if she/he is cheating too”
- “not worth it. I mean, if you want to be with someone else, why are you with the person you are with?”
- “getting caught”
Honestly, it was a bit frightening to see that so many people I know define the act of cheating so differently, but it was nice to see that men weren’t prone to one type of answer and women another. There were pretty equal in the numbers of responses who viewed cheating as ‘just sex’ or ‘anything you feel guilty about’.
Our society clearly defines our world; this is what murder is, this is what marriage is, this is what taxable income is… and yet, cheating has slipped through the cracks. I realize that cheating is a moral issue and that it would be impossible to lay down a clear definition in the “book of life” , I’m just saying that it would be nice. I like the idea of in the heat of an argument being able to pull down a large book with tissue thin pages that would state: "Cheating is: holding the hand of another girl at the movies", or something similar. It would make things so much easier- and arguments a lot shorter.
Until then I will hold myself accountable and feel guilt over my past. Why? Because I’d rather be guilty under my definition than innocent under someone else’s.
Anyone have a different definition of cheating?
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14 comments:
Not a definition, but another question.........Is cheating (as in having sex with someone other than your partner) sometimes justified?
I don't have an additional definition other than the ones discussed here. I just totally agree, cheating does seem so black and white, yet, there are so many effing definitions. Also, I think there is a difference between being emotionally unfaithful (which one of your friends mentioned in the "day at the park" scenario) and physically cheating. Seems like some give less mind to having an emotional affair, which IMO is just as wrong.
As many different definitions as you've listed, I sincerely doubt anyone would be OK with their spouse kissing someone else.
And I think we're well served by being vigilant against any sort of unfaithfulness by being open and honest with our SO. People generally don't wake up and set out to cheat on their SO; it's often a gradual process that begins with "lesser forms" of cheating like phone calls or lunches that aren't mentioned to the SO.
I think when you cheat you know you're doing it. I like your definition of "something you wouldn't do if your boyfriend was there." I think you recognize it when you do it. If you're laying all over someone, cozy and cuddling, and feel guilty or hope that your boyfriend doesn't find out? Yeah that's cheating to me. Because even if you aren't betraying someone with your body, you're betraying them with your heart.
And also... I mean.. if you have to lie or omit information to keep your boyfriend from freaking out? That's a pretty telling sign!!
Wow....this is loaded.
I never thought about it in so many different terms. In my book, I've always viewed 2 types of cheating.
Physical- sex, kissing, touching
and
Emotional- e-mails, phone calls, texts, THOUGHTS.
And while people think "Wow, he or she had SEX with someone else". I swear, I would rather that, than someone God forbid LOVE someone else while they're with me. Thats terrifying.
But as far as Im concerned...one thing always leads to another.
It's an ideal I haven't been able to live up to, but I like to think you should treat people the way you would want to be treated. Ergo, if you are doing something you would be unhappy with your partner for doing, you're cheating x
Ladies, I speak for the men of America and say ARE YOU KIDDING ME???????? Now THINKING about someone else is cheating? What, so if you girls are start dreaming about Brad Pitt, you are cheating? That's stupid!
part 2: Cheating is sex. Girls always make it into something bigger but having sex with someone doesn't mean you love them. And it's only when you love someone other than your girl that I think it's cheating.
I don't think just thinking about someone else is cheating. OR dreaming about Brad Pitt. But hell, if my SO had sex with someone else? You're damn right I'd consider that as unfaithful.
I love how the anonymous comments are always the most controversial.... And about the question 'is it ever justified', I'm torn. I want to be the person who says no it's not, but I've SEEN times where I've completely understood why it's happened... I just don't know, I just don't know...
I like your definition of "something you wouldn't do if your boyfriend was there" - to me something's obviously up if you're hiding something from your partner
"I'd rather be guilty under my definition that innocent under someone else's."
You've pretty much defined what I believe cheating is - whatever I think it is. But it never extended to whom I was dating because, again, cheating is such an intimate act, thought and definition to each person.
Side note: I once had a boyfriend who was convinced that I was cheating on him because my platonic friend who lives in Newfoundland (I live in Ontario) MSN'd me an emoticon heart. As you said, under my ex's definition I was guilty as sin; in my (rational) definition, I was innocent.
But you're right - it would be nice to have a clear line of what cheating is and isn't as supposed to the grey area we've all found ourselves in.
I'd say my definition of cheating would entail the physical aspect (kissing, hand holding, sex, etc) AND the emotional aspect. If you're having an emotional relationship with someone other then your significant other (if you have feelings for someone else, you go to them instead of your SO, you rely on them when you should rely on your SO, you share with them what you SHOULD share with your SO) that is also cheating.
I recently went through this... someone else said it in the comments - I'd rather have my significant other have sex with someone else then LOVE someone else over me... and that's exactly what happened to me. I was waiting for my ex while he was stationed in Africa and the entire time he was having an emotional relationship with his ex. I broke it off immediately... and it hurt a hell of a lot more.
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