Amy Poehler make me laugh

Two Can Play This Game

My favourite holiday game involves me asking the people around me what would be the worst gift I could get them. When they (inevitably) say that they would be happy with whatever I got them, I go on the attack. I list off the worst possible gifts I'm considering purchasing them and watch them pretend that they would love it. Eventually however, they admit they would hulk out if I made them large installation art made out of animal bones and corn husks and I declare victory. I thought I had perfected this conversation until I called my mom today...

Me: I was just curious... what would you think if I got you an Ihop gift certificate for Christmas?

Mom: What's Ihop?

Me: International house of Pancakes.

Mom: But we don't have one here....

Me: I know. But there is one in Edmonton. You could just take the 5 hour drive for pancakes and come right back. 10 hours roundtrip, but they are pretty tasty mom.

Mom: Well, that sounds good. I'd like a great reason to go to Edmonton, I haven't had pancakes in a long time. I would hate to use this gift alone though, so I might ask you along for the trip.

Me: But I can't eat pancakes.

Mom: No, but you can have juice. Besides, wouldn't you feel bad not being there to see my appreciate my gift?

Do not try to outwit the person who brought you into the world.

Mom:1 Me: 0

And then I went "Ohhh Ahhhh!"

If I die tomorrow please know that the last thing to make me happy wasn't a well timed phone call, extended olive branch or a surprise Christmas card in the mail. All of those were lovely, but the last thing to have made me almost weep with happiness was purchased on a whim for $7.

It was JP Spa Gingerbread Sugar Body Scrub.

An impulse buy chosen to help get me ready for Christmas since the 900 gazillion Christmas CD's purchased, on-going hunt for a fantastic Christmas tree and fashionable red polish I was sporting weren't doing it. I was skeptical, because I'm not really a fan of gingerbread, but I'm glad I took a chance. This $7 purchase has changed my life. Or at least, my showers.

I opened it tonight and felt the heavens open up. I actually jumped up and down with excitement, it smelled so... lip smackingly delicious. Mouthwatering. It smells like all promises kept and love letters received and every good thing that's ever happened to anyone- ever. After standing in the shower inhaling what paradise must smell like for a ridiculously long time, I smeared it on my legs and went"ohh ahh!". It's like.... mmmmagic- multiplied. The perfect texture- not too grainy but not too... well, not-grainy. And after the water washes off the grainy bits, you are just left insanely soft skin. It's almost illegal how good it makes you feel.

It's magic, -that's all there is too it. I've never had a better shower, never smelled so good and have never been more convinced that heaven does exist.

In short, I'm ready for Christmas.

Germy

I'm sick. Again.

And instead of having a boyfriend who will make me soup and hold my germy hand and pass me kleenex when I sneeze with abandon, I am single and have a cat who stares at me.

And then leaves.
Which is fine. I don't want the cat to get sick. He's old.

I've decided to relish this opportunity and not feel bad for missing work, or skipping a chance to Christmas shop or continuing my law breaking scheme. Today is a day to watch movies with a rootbeer candy canes and an orange juice IV. And while my germy eyes scanned my humble movie collection I realized that while sick, stressed out, or tired, there are certain movies I will watch again and again.

These include:

- Good Will Hunting (Fav Quote: "... and let me save you the suspense, this girl you've met she's not perfect either."- the idea of not having to be perfect comforts me when I'm wearing sweats, with itchy eyes and a runny nose)

- Say Anything (Fav Quote: "I am looking for a dare to be great situation." OR "The rain on my car is a baptism, the new me, Ice Man, Power Lloyd, my assault on the world begins now". Because anyone who refers to himself as Ice Man is cool in my books.)

- Sweet Home Alabama (Fav Quote: "Like I could tip a cow BY MYSELF!"- because I completely understand where she is coming from. It's ... impossible.)

- Garden State (Fav Quote: "I'm okay with being unimpressive. I sleep better")

- JFK (I don't have one, but I do appreciate how serious Kevin Costner can look in those glasses)

- Rounders (Fav Quote: "If you can't spot the sucker in the first half hour at the table, then you ARE the sucker"-or pretty much anything said by Teddy KGB)

- When A Man Loves a Woman (It's not about the words, it's about Andy's eyes. I'm swooning.)

- Bottle Rocket (Fav Quote: "I don't think your happiness is quite appropriate" or " We almost did it, didn't we?"

- National Treasure (Fav Quote:"We have to steal the Declaration of Independence!!". I wish I was joking about this movie but I must come clean. I'd like to think I'm drawn to it for it's references to American history, but, it could also be Nic's ability to both squint and growl at the same time. Nicholas Cage just sucks me in like a black hole.)

Feel free to drop off soup. Or presents. Or soup and presents.

Flair: 2007 Style

Little Known Fact: I was in Brownies

I started out as a mere pixie but worked my way up to full Brownie status in record time because I hated not wearing the sash and having a chance to wear badges. Why? Badges = Flair

Even at an early age, flair was important to me. And although I no longer remember most of the badges I earned (other than a cutthroat game of lawn bowling that gave me the bowling badge and my cake baking badge that would have made Martha Stewart squeal with glee), I still like the idea of showing off your talents through badges. Or... as I call them, flair.

Which got me thinking. As we get older, the obstacles we surmount and the goals we reach become even bigger, so where is the flair now? There are definite achievements and battles I've had to overcome that I feel are completely badge worthy and should be showcased on some ultra hip sash-like accessory.

These Include:
- learning how to cha-cha in Spain
- surviving a really bad break-up (notice the 'really')
- explaining to my college students why theatre makes them better people when they all just want to go for a smoke
- teaching my ma how to do a tequila shot in Mexico
- discovering the perfect sentence to whisper
- backpacking up an Italian *mountain while fighting mono
- letting it go (it? Him?)
- speaking at a funeral, playing a musical instrument at a wedding and holding a baby without dropping it
- moving a too big couch into a too small elevator (unless you've attempted it, you have no idea)
- not always asking 'what if?'
- baking the worlds best cookie
- possibly liking cats

Still on my flair list (it sounds a lot more hip than 'to-do'): becoming a skilled snorkler, understanding how to do my taxes, learning how to catch a baseball and becoming modest.

Can we ditch the brown cotton sash with the gold piping though? I'm thinking they could be improved...
* Erin, it was a mountain.

Losing Ohio

Today I couldn't find my Ohio quarter. I retraced my purchases and realized that I spent it. On a cup of peppermint tea. From a vending machine. Life is not fair.

Only 45 more states to go.

Again.

Carrying Ohio

I found an Ohio quarter in my bag today which made me ridiculously happy.
Only 44 more states to go.

Conversation of the Day

brandy: Do you think we could have Dali Lama like calmness if we could ask the entire world one question and get it answered?

Matt: I suppose if it was something like “Will I ever be completely fulfilled?” or “What’s the purpose of my life?"

brandy: No, I was thinking more along the lines of “what the hell do you all want from me?"

Matt: That could work.

10 Lessons Learned From the Chicks I Know

It seems people read blogs, but instead of leaving comments, they email you directly to complain about what they don't like. Or better yet, they call you. (The 'better yet' isn't sarcasm, I'm bored out of my tree at work.) I have decided that in the fairness of all the lovely chicks I know to give them their own list...

1. How to chug a beer (classy, I know)
2. When to stop talking.
3. Two words: false eyelashes.
4. How to catch a gopher.
5. Soccer moms are hot.
6. How to run in high heels.
7. "It's difficult to do anything but love someone when that's exactly how you feel"
8. I could not date a man named Destiny.
9. Nothing happens if you don't show up.
10. Tequila makes me want to dance.

Everything else I learned from Mr. Dressup, National Geographic magazines, Martha Stewart, late night tv, or through the painful experience of trial and error.

10 Lessons Learned From The Men I Know

1. You can never have too much hot sauce.
2. If you want something- initiate it.
3. Why it’s important to have transmission fluid checked.
4. How to not punch like a girl.
5. Sweats can be beautiful.
6. How to grout.
7. They don't know what they are doing either.
8. How to spit.
9. Regrets don’t equal mistakes.
10. I hold my breath when I sleep.

Quote of the Day

" I'm not wearing a plaid shirt because I'm ultra trendy- I'm wearing one because I chop wood."
- Moose

Wanted: Island Commrade

I’m in desperate need of distractions. If my ‘fight mode’ is avoidance, my current way of dealing with life in general may be classified the same. However, that doesn’t sound healthy so let’s stick with ‘needing distractions’.

In the spirit of keeping myself busying with mindless activities, I started doing yet another email survey that some clueless sap sent to me. It was pretty mundane and my clever wit can only creatively answer the question “vanilla or chocolate?” so many times. Surprisingly however was #11. Seriously, out of no where was this question. Like a diamond in the rough. Okay, that’s definitely stretching it, but it’s better than trying to defend a flavor of ice cream.

11. If you could take one person, one book, one piece of technology, one article of clothing, one CD, one object of sentimental value and 3 pieces of survival gear with you to live on a deserted island for six months, what would be your choices?

Okay, so I have to admit, I've thought of answers for each aspect of the question but my person, my deserted island comrade, is faceless. I have decided that listing the characteristics might help me narrow it down. I hate not knowing ahead of time, because what if this was to actually happen? And I had three seconds to make a choice? I need to know who I would take! On to the specifics....

1. This person must be male between the ages of 25-35- based purely on the fact that men in that category would be stronger than men or women in any other age category. And because he and I would probably have a lot in common- which is important in deserted island scenarios. Oh, and I feel strongly that this person should be a stranger. If I went with someone I knew, well... if we didn't get along, or the stress of the island brought out the worst in us, it could ruin the friendship. I know. I'm thoughtful.

2. Also, I require….someone who can do long division in their head (I would just find that fun to watch)

3. I prefer non-smokers. I envision a smoker getting angry when they go through with drawls on the island. And really, I don't want this trip to be marred by nursing someone back from the dark side.

4. He needs to be able to make sun dials and keep me posted on the time (why this is important I’m not sure. I just feel that it is)

5. Someone who understands that I am not a morning person (because if they didn’t understand that, our island experience might not be as lovely as it could be…) is absolutely necessary.

6. It's important that he has some medical training so if I cut my foot they would know what to do and would do it in the manner of "serious-yet-determined-doctor, similar to Dr. Jack on "Lost".

7. He must enjoy playing games such as "I spy", "Scrabble" and "20 Questions" (And for those of you wondering how I would get Scrabble on the deserted island, it's one of my three 'survival gear' items)

8. It would be a plus if he could wrestle a shark, catch fish and know a lot about building huts. Or at the very least, fashion a hammock out of island debris.

9. It's important that he doesn't tire of me asking questions (such as.. "what time does the sundial say now?")

10. Someone not named Wilson. It would just be weird.

Heard in the hallway

Girl: Chris! That's her. That's our professor!
Boy: No way.
Girl: I know. She actually dresses like she's from the same century as us.
Boy: Holyl shit. I'm changing my major.

Because that's how I roll...

I'm impulsive. I'm reckless. I've been known to make bad choices and love every second of it. Why? Because sometimes that's how I roll. I've noticed this carefree attitude attracted to all that is bad has taken hold of me lately and refuses to loosen it's grip. And although I love it, the consequences of such an attitude has left me to ponder why lately, behaving badly feels so good.

I'm sure there are a million definitions of "bad", but for the point of this ramble, let's stick to mine- "of poor quality, unskillful, incorrect, wicked, offensive, harmful, injured, unpleasant, distressing and/or evil. (The last being my personal favourite)

Now before I continue let me say that I do have many good things going on in my life and I DO make good choices. I am not a strung out alcoholic who's like a piece of birthday cake with everyone having had a pieces. I promise. I am a good girl and make thoughtful, well-planned, logical choices-99.9% of the time. I refuse gluten laced food, would rather drink lemonade over tequila and have an unnatural obsession with cardigans (and yes, loving cardigans deems you 'good'). I play scrabble with a man who hugs his grandma and I floss before I go to sleep. I'm no where near close to destroying my life with my poor choices but it still makes me wonder.

My bad choices haven't left me feeling sick like gluten, nor have I woke up foggy of the last nights events (as is the case when tequila and I become fast friends). My bad choices have resulted in some awkward silences, hurt feelings and a few sleepless nights. Which makes me wonder- why make them? Why make the choices that I know are bad? Because it's the bad choices, the reckless attitude, the impulsive words that cause the thrill? Is that it? And if it is, is the thrill worth it? Why is it that it's the things that are bad for us- the food most damaging, the drink most destructive, the words most harmful that feel so good? That are so easy to justify? Would the cookie taste as good if you knew you shouldn't have it? Would we still say what we do if we knew there was a different outcome? Would you have another drink if you were assured there would be no headache the next day?

I like to think yes, but today I'm not sure.

Of course the downside to eating that second piece of cake, having the third martini or smoking the last cigarette is the after effect. The sick feeling- the hangover, the realization that there is a consequence to the pleasure a few careless acts can cause. And each time I suffer through this, I promise myself I will make the changes necessary. But then the cardigan doesn't fit right, the "what if's" run through my head and I make a choice I'm already regretting.

Why?

Because I'm impulsive. Because I don't have a 5 year plan. Because sometimes feeling good wins out over logic or smarts or any sense of appropriate behavior.

Because sometimes, that's how I roll.

Charmed, I'm sure.

F.Y.I.: Ten Sentences That Will Charm Any Girl
(or at least.... me)

1. I play ____________ (insert any musical instrument here) .
2. Oh this picture? It's me and my nieces at the park.
3. Roger Moore IS the best James Bond!
4. I'm man enough to admit, I cried when I watched ___________ (insert any appropriate movie here. NOT appropriate movies include: Striptease, Gigli and/or any movie starring the Olsen twins.)
5. My greatest joy is making others happy.
6. I don't smoke. ("unless I'm on fire", is the perfect ending for a girl like me who likes lame lines, but I don't feel it's necessary for the charming to take place)
7. Paris who?
8. I understand.
9. Can I make you dinner/shovel out your truck/buy you a small island/challenge you to foose?
10. You're right.

Jon Stewart and Me

So I've succumbed to peer pressure and have started an actual blog. I've done this for the following reasons:

- I have a few spare hours to kill before I watch Bond kill
- I actually enjoy writing but feel that my attention span won't allow me to compose a novel
- I was told I should (and after this, I'm jumping off that bridge)
- People are annoyed with the yellow star that keeps showing up on my msn space each time I waste time there.
- I want to join the pretentious masses who tell you they 'blog'

I want to be a blogger but I have a sad feeling no one reads the blogs of random people. People read the blogs of individuals fighting off serious diseases, battling mother nature or discovering cures to diseases with really long names. Or famous people. Even I admit, if Jon Stewart blogged I would most likely read it everyday. Okay, even if he just typed out a grocery list of a complete stranger I would read it. Daily. Like, at 5pm.